So. I thought I was completely over my "ex" (lie), but I was out tonight and saw him dancing with this girl (a bitch from work), and it really got to me. We started being friends again a little over a month ago, and he's been really nice and I really don't feel too much the same. But there is still something there. The whole 'what if' shit. I mean, it's his fault, but still...why can't I just completely, completely, completely, get over it. I am crazy about another guy, but every time I see my ex at work I still think about him sometimes. He seems nicer now than before. I didn't talk to him for almost a year. And now it's like everything is new. Ugh. I dunno. It doesn't help he kind of is flirty. And that the girl is a conniving ho.

On to the other guy. We've been good friends since August. We talk several times a week, sometimes for an hour or more on end. We've been out twice. Both times I asked him to hang out, it wasn't like a date. But I dunno. I can't read him. I wish I could just get the balls and ask him what he feels about me. I think he likes me but I always feel like I'm going to be wrong and he's just being really nice. I have NO IDEA what to do. I invited him out for this Friday and he's still not sure, he goes out to eat with his brother every day at pretty much the same time. Anyway. I was thinking about telling him if we go out on Friday, but if we don't...I don't know when or how. Or even what to say. The problem is, he's leaving soon. But when he comes back I would like to start something with him if he is up to it.


I'm so confused. When I'm with my friend, I don't think about my ex. And when I talk to my ex I don't really think about him (my ex), either...but sometimes I do. But it's just a what if type of think, like I said. But I feel like he's eventually going to try to get into my pants again. And I don't want him to do that. Because I know me, and what will happen. Argh. I wish I was pyschic.

So. Street Sense left last Thursday, which made it the last time we'll ever see him in the barn. It was kind of sad. Joanne left yesterday, I held her while the doctor worked on her, he said she felt amazing. I expect her to do really well. Uhm. It's been raining here for 2 days straight. I've wanted to go outside and to the store, but the rain pretty much hasn't let me. I hate being stuck in, but I'd also look like an ass just hanging around in the lobby, so yeah. At this very moment it isn't raining I don't think, but I'm sure it will start again soon.

Okay, later.

lol I just realized I had some of that stuff already. Oh well.

I've seriously neglected writing in this journal. Uhm, I tried the myspace thing, and I still don't understand it, because it's not really popular for the blog part. Soooo, if I post anything, I'll just probably do it here. I want to start using this more, anyway. Since I've had this computer, I can do it. I just get lazy or do other crap. Anyway. I haven't posted too much in here in like the last 2 years probably. Obviously stuff has changed. I have the same job (with Carl Nafzger) that I mentioned before I stopped posting. I had an apartment for a few months, like 2 years ago now, lol. I went to Florida twice with work. I got my first 'boyfriend', broke up, made friends with him again (like 3 weeks ago haha). I also made more friends, met a lot of people. I completely learned a new language (spanish), I lost a lot of weight (not as much as I want, but still good!), I'm trying to save money, blah blah blah. Anyway...that's sort of it in a nutshell for anyone who hasn't talked to me in a while.

So hopefully this time I'll actually keep my word and post here.

Oh LJ, how I have neglected you. I'm sorry.

Well I was supposed to go to New York for work and I just found out today that I am not going. They had like six weeks to let me know and they didn't. I didn't even want to go at first and then I really did.

It is such a ing let down. I had a lot of things here that I really wanted to get away from and now I have no choice. I am kind of hoping they change their mind again but I don't think they will. This one guy who is supposed to be going said that he wasn't but the bosses think he is. I'm now kind of hoping that he says that he isn't and actually doesn't so maybe I can go. I don't know what the deal is. If they don't want to pay for rooms or whatever.

The only bright side to this is that now I will probably be able to go swimming and stuff, which is good because the weather is REALLY hot. I mean wow. I could stay in a freaking pool all day if I had the choice. I'd put a pool in my room and everything. That is how much I love to swim. I love love love love to swim. It's one of my three favorite things.

But anyway I guess what I am trying to say is that I wish they would have let me knows a few weeks ago before I started looking foward to it. I mean, I was going to go to Saratoga for six weeks. I really wanted to see it. And now I'm going to be stuck here and probably have to go to damn Ellis Park like twice a week and crap. I it there. That was another reason I was excited to go to Saratoga. This place (Ellis) is so gross. The barns are . The tornado should have destroyed the whole damn place.

Uh. In other news, I recently had a birthday. I turned twenty. I was supposed to go swimming with my friend but our job had other plans for her like one day before so that fell through. I really love my job but sometimes it can just be too unpredictable. So instead I just hung out with some of my coworkers. Which wasn't too bad.

I also had a vacation about 3 weeks ago. That was my first one since having this job and I quite enjoyed it. I like sleeping. I didn't really stay up late or do anything though. But it was alright. The next one I get hopefully I can go out of town or something.

There was something else I think, but I forgot. Heh, that isn't like me.

Oh can anyone give me some sites with quizzes and stuff?

And to kick a horse, MAN I REALLY WANTED TO GO!

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bummed. Really.

Until next time.

I feel a really long post coming on here. But hopefully not too long. This is going to be hard to write.

I feel like I should go to liking women, or something. Love HURTS. Bad. BAD....BAD!

I was asked last night by this guy I am absolutely infatuated with, if I was in love with him. I couldn't say yes. I wanted to so bad. I mean, because I feel it, I just can't say. I don't want to be in love with someone and them not say it first. I don't want to be the first one to say it and then have it slap me in the face.

Well, I didn't have to say it. I still got slapped in the face, and , did it suck something awful. I have a weird history with this guy, but I have never, ever, ever, cared for anyone this much. I mean, I would do anything for this dude. And I know he cares for me. I mean, he cares for me enough to let me down the way he did. I don't know if I should keep holding out hope or just be happy with what I do have with him (it's more than just a 'special' friend though). I just this so much. I mean, I do like what I have with him, but it is still really hard for me not to want to act more loving to him. I mean, it's hard for me not to just randomly stroke his face or stare at him. I wish I could explain it better. He knows I am good for him, he told me this. He told me he was stupid, that he was sorry. And I understand. And...I don't. I guess I don't need to give him any more time, I have given him enough. I can be happy if I do have him in my life, like this, but I just hope I can get over this 'I want more, I want it all' thing faster than I feel like it will take. I've never been in love before. I liked the one guy A LOT, but I didn't love him, not like this. And I liked him a lot because I wanted it to work out, because we knew eachother for so long.

I don't know what I should do. I mean, he told me I deserve better, but I don't want anyone else right now. And I wouldn't know where to look. JFDDFGKF TRHIHJ. You know? I mean maybe I could continue 'seeing' him every once in a while, but still keep my options open. But the thing is, I have seen a lot of good looking guys, and I've even had a few guys ask me out, but I'm just not interested, because they aren't like him. They don't captivate me. I don't need sparks, but I do need to feel something, and, I just don't. Nothing, nada. And I've tried. But I want to be able to trust someone too, and I find that hard.

I'm so confused.

But anyway, I spoke to him today, and got it more clarified, and I do feel better, I just hope it continues to be the same, I hope he stays the same. I hope now, that he knows how I feel for sure, I guess, that it doesn't scare him off. I did tell him I can be happy just being friends (which is kind of a little lie), so hopefully he'll believe it.


In other news, I moved my stuff out of my apartment today and put it back in my dad's house. So now I will have more money and hopefully less problems, at least on that front.

That's all for now I guess.

Hello again. I know I have said, like, the last three times that I've posted (which spans like a year) that I would update more, but I just don't find the right times, and when I do, the computer lab I use, sometimes just spazzes out or whatever. And I do have A LOT I could say, I just feel conscious about writing it all out here. I mean, duh, I know it's a journal, but I can't even write some of the stuff I want to say, or to get out, in my own personal journals, like with a pen or whatever.

But anyway, a little update. Since I haven't updated much, I'm guessing that you, Otis (my journal), did not know I went to Florida for four whole months, with work. I am still with the same boss I was with when I started, and now I am grooming four horses. As of today I've had four for five days or so. I had two off and on for like 6 weeks. It's still pretty hard and I have a lot more to learn, but I am not being as hard on myself as I was, not letting the lectures get to me as much as I was. I just know my foreman doesn't like me so I can't take what he says too hard or to my heart. I am still working on how I react to things. Yeah. STILL. It's a bitch. I being soooo sensitive, but sometimes I like it because I know I have compassion and I never get snappy with people or anything. But I still love my job. I just need, like I said, to change my attitude on certain things.

I have also lost quite a bit of weight since I got this job. Maybe like 55 pounds or so, and everybody says nice things about that now. Even my dad noticed and he never says anything about that.

Also last year, last summer, I got an apartment, which I still pay on, but only until July. I was also paying on it when I was in Florida. Yeah, heh. But anyway, I'm not living in it now. I'm living at the track, to save up my money and stuff. I want to get a car and stuff on down the road.

So if anyone else who reads this has any questions or whatever they want to know from me, you can ask because I missed a lot of stuff.

Hopefully I'll update again in the next week or so.

Hello my livejournal. I am so sorry I have neglected you. And a lot of stuff has happened too. I have access to a computer more regularly now, so I should be able to update more, at least I hope I can, because I really miss this.

So if anyone still reads this old thing...how are you?

Look who is! And update! I have neglected my dear LJ. I haven't even been all THAT busy, just not interested and lazy. Anyway, not a whole whole whole lot is different. I probably still won't be updating a lot, but I may drop in more than once a month.

TTYL